Random observations and puzzlements #1

Diligent bloggers always have fallback ideas for posts when disruptions of one kind or another affect their schedules. How do I know this for certain? I don’t. I have a creative license and I make things up.

(All writers have such licenses. While I’m not at liberty to divulge the licensing authority or its exact location, each of the 50 states has one. I am permitted to tell you that creative licenses, as with those for driving vehicles, are issued for different kinds of writing, and that only copywriters have permission to pose outlandish statements as fact. Thank you for reading along during this digressive break.)

Licensing rules (And hello! Identity theft!) prevent me from showing my full writer's creative license.

This morning, after a week-plus of old-computer to new-computer confusion, I reached into my back pocket (that’s figurative language; I didn’t actually do that) and yanked out the following post: a brief list of disjointed thoughts.

(Sorry, but one more digression. I’d say I stole the idea for this post from another writer, but the second time a writer looks at a source, it falls into the realm of legitimate research. If you doubt that for even a moment, then know it’s clearly stated on the back of my license, which, unfortunately, I am forbidden to show even partially [unlike the front].)

Now for the list you’ve been waiting (but come on, not all that long) for:

• I don’t understand why Real Simple magazine is 240-some pages each month. Seems to me it should be more like 24.

• Generic products should not be allowed in certain categories. The first one that comes to my mind is in paper products: ultra toilet paper.

• I want a new language choice at my bank’s ATM: Language you chose in previous 10,000 transactions.

• Shooting holes in roadside traffic signs has to be the most moronic and redneck thing in the world to do – with one exception: traffic lights at busy intersections that stay green long enough only for three cars to get through. Motorists should be allowed to shoot these out between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. on weeknights.

• I believe the toilet seats in our house contain hidden scales connected to a silent alert system no one has told me about. Within 20 seconds of my sitting down, someone calls my name or a cat scratches insistently at the door.

• Is willfully handing over the remote control so someone can watch a rerun of “Housewives of …” not an expression of love?

• Because I’m confident in my masculinity, I have no problem in stating unequivocally that the best reality show on TV is TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress.”

• Before the Hyundai Sonata became the good-looking, reliable car it is today, I was continually surprised the model did not have this fitting tagline: It’s Sonata bad car.

Next week I’ll be road-tripping through the Deep South with the Daughters Tisdale and hope to post from points here and there. Or just at some point.


    • Thank you H. Raven Rose, a.k.a., @ChocolateVamp, for your (counting) for your three ha’s and one hah. (BTW, @slashcoleman and I have taken the liberty of shortening that to “ChocoVamp” for the Latin flavor, but of course only in our private text-messages. Wait, that doesn’t sound good, does it?)

  1. Good point about Real Simple–I’ve often wondered why leading a simple life should require instructions at all!

    And glad to see you’re a licensed writer–I am curious, however, which state agency is charged with this process. And is there, like concealed carry, any kind of reciprocity? Can a writer licensed in another state make blog postings in Virginia without a license? or can writers simply apply at border crossings (Virginia Welcome Centers)? Can you enlighten us, or is this another aspect of your profession that you’re not allowed to share?

    • Mike, I feel like a White House Press Secretary who’s been peppered with hostile questions. But because ours is a longstanding friendship, I’m going to let that feeling subside before I make some rash answer. Not sure how long that will take; it may be a while. Be patient. Please. In the meantime, I’m going to have some lunch. Sit tight. Don’t go anywhere!

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